It's time to take a break from serious subjects. Why? Because my cats keep interrupting my work. Every damn time I sit down to write, when my son is asleep and my wife is watching the Kardashians...when I finally have time to myself and sit and write, one my two assholes sits on my keyboard, or my hand, or my stomach and purrs or meows until I scratch their ass.
I always give in. I'm always frustrated. Because while I can't write at the moment, I also find said ass-scratching somewhat relaxing. And that depresses me. Because my life has come to this. So I'm going to make this article about why cats are the best. Because they might see it. And read it. And hopefully leave me the fuck alone.
Reason 1 - Cats don't give a fuck. They don't care about how your day went, how your boss treated you, how your commute sucked because some idiot was texting on their phone and hit some other idiot who was also probably texting on their phone. They don't care if you're tired, or if you just want to lay down and get away from the world. They want their needs met. They're fucking hungry. They want body parts rubbed. Because what else are human hands for? So fuck you. Get over yourself. Make it happen for your cat. Because everyone thinks he's cute and will judge you if you "mistreat" it.
Generally speaking these qualities are revered in human beings. They're the kind of qualities that make up the personalities of presidents, rock stars, mayors, your boss's secretary and, well, generally most people in a position of great power. Also, cats. These qualities are, not only accepted, but celebrated in pooky. Just look at all the cat memes that make fun of how asshole-ish cats are, and how it's cute. Literally anything they do is loved. ANYTHING. This brings us to the next topic.
Cats specialize in murder. Murder of all kinds. There's the clean sweep, where furball swipes at a fly or a bee and BAM - instant death. Then there's the torturous kind. The type where they chase a victim for hours, playing with it while it bleeds. Then they don't even eat it. Just leaving it there to die. You come home and, instead of being shocked, you say "awe, my loves was trying to feed me...thank you". You sick fuck.
Such awesome murderous traits are often found in special forces commandos who hunt terrorists for a living (also serial killers and hired assassins, but we'll go with the first one to make the "cats are awesome" argument). So watch out, kitty's got claws under that fur and ain't afraid to kill you with it. Then again, they can also help you heal.
Yes, cat's can heal. When they're not waking you up in the middle of the night by meowing, cats purr. They purr all the damn time. Why? Evidence has shown that a cat's purr is the exact frequency that encourages bone growth. The running theory is that they're trying to self heal. Those healing properties can also likely be passed on to you, since we're basically made of the same stuff as cats. So cats are basically doctors. Think about THAT the next time pebbles wakes you up because she wants to sit on your chest. Not that you have a choice. You fucking slave.
Yes, you're a slave. Not just because you have to serve your cat, and clean it's poop. Because cats are biologically designed to control you. A cat's purr is the same frequency as a child's cry. We think cats developed this over thousands of years, so that you wouldn't be able to ignore them when they want attention. That's right, cat's developed a special tone to manipulate you into doing whatever the fuck they want. It's like an overbearing family member or co-worker, that yaps at you until you give in just to make them go the fuck away. But it's not just the tone.
Cats develop a special language...just for you. Studies have shown that cats don't meow to communicate with one another. They meow to communicate with humans. Researchers traded cats with owners and found that when cats were with their own humans, the humans knew what each type of meow meant. When cats were given different humans, those people had no idea. So not only are cats biologically designed to manipulate you, they develop a special language to do this.
These special manipulative qualities are found in some of the most successful people in our society. Entrepreneurs, Salespeople, Real-estate agents and high-performing managers. So chances are, your cat can be more successful than you at whatever job you have. You fucking loser.
Yeah, I went there. You're a loser. I'm a loser. All cat owners are losers. Because while we go out and work all fucking day, our cats are living the life we're dreaming about. Sitting around, sleeping, eating, pooping and licking their ass with absolutely not a care in the world. The only thing missing is a beach. And they don't care. Because they're fucking cats.
And in case you think "man, I wouldn't want to lick my own ass". I beg to differ. If you could have the same type of life with just that one trade off, you would take it. I would. I'm not ashamed. Fuck you.
It's the kind of life that's only enjoyed by trust fund babies and lottery winners who don't have a single thing to worry about, except their next bowel movement. People who literally don't need to work for a living, while you toil away at your stressful job hoping not to die before you can really enjoy your life. Cats have it figured out.
In conclusion, I'm not sure if I've written about why cats are awesome, why they're terrifying or why I'm jealous of both. I've also not provided references for the research I spoke about. But I'm going to take out a page from my cat's handbook and not give a fuck. I really don't even care if you enjoyed reading this. If you did, well good. If you didn't, then suck it.